Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

What Is the Cycle of Abuse?

The cycle of abuse is a theory developed by psychologist Lenore Walker to describe violence in relationships. It outlines a pattern of mental and physical harm coupled with a “honeymoon” or reconciliation period.

The perpetrators of the abuse in most situations are men, though the cycle can apply to any relationship.

The basic stages of the cycle of abuse include:

1. Tension building: One partner in the relationship engages in verbal or emotional abuse amid relationship stressors like job or money problems.
2. Abuse: The perpetrator commits an abusive act, such as physical assault, verbal threats, destruction of personal property, and more.
3. Reconciliation: The abuser tries to convince their partner that they’ve truly changed by “love-bombing” them with romantic gestures or gifts.
4. Calm: While not committing abuse, the perpetrator slowly tries to de-emphasize or minimize what happened.

Ultimately, the emotional and physical abuse continues over and over again. Relationships that are based around the cycle of abuse are not healthy — nobody deserves to suffer abuse or neglect at the hands of their partner.

At the Victim Advocacy Center, we can help survivors better understand the cycles of abuse and access resources to start healing. Get a free case review now to learn how we can assist you or a loved one.

Stages of the Cycle of Abuse

Walker’s original concept about the cycle of abuse includes 4 stages that illustrate the pattern abusers use to keep survivors in a relationship with them. Learn about each of these stages below.

1. Rising Tensions

In this phase, the abusive person becomes more hostile and agitated. Their anger may not necessarily be directed at their partner at first, but this stage marks a turn where their temper and mood worsen.

Issues with money, family, jobs, and more can all be sources of increased tension. The survivor may try to please them or manage their emotions in an attempt to stop what’s coming.

This phase can last anywhere from several days to a few months, according to a Heliyon study.

2. Abuse

In this phase, an unacceptable, serious incident takes place, leading to significant harm or trauma for the survivor.

While in many cases we think of abuse as a physical act, Cleveland Clinic notes that in reality, this phase can encompass many different types of actions.

Examples of abuse that may occur in this phase include:

• Any act of physical assault and battery
• Sexual abuse or coercion
• Threatening violence or self-harm
• Stealing money or debit and credit cards
• Verbally berating or humiliating you

Any type of intimate partner violence or abuse is never acceptable. Abuse can have lasting physical and mental repercussions, leaving survivors grappling with the effects for years or even for the rest of their lives.

3. Reconciliation

After an incident of abuse takes place, perpetrators may make amends to the survivor. The reconciliation phase has many different forms, according to Cleveland Clinic.

Reconciliation can look like:

• Love bombing (making over-the-top romantic gestures to win back trust)
• Promising to change
• Simply apologizing
• Taking supportive actions

Even if the abuser seems genuinely remorseful for what happened, it doesn’t excuse that their actions caused harm and broke trust.

When it comes to abusive partners, reconciliation attempts are often actually “hoovering,” a psychological tactic used to manipulate survivors into staying. The abuser “apologizes” while subtly blaming the survivor for their actions.

4. Calm

During this phase, the relationship may resume some semblance of normalcy that it had before the tension and abuse occurred. However, survivors may start to notice signs that the cycle is repeating itself soon.

These signs include the abuser:

• Blaming others for what happened
• Gaslighting (distorting the truth) around the abuse incident
• Making their abusive actions seem justified
• Promising to change, yet not making any actual efforts to do so

Ultimately, abusive partners use this phase to put enough psychological doubt into the minds of survivors that they continue to stay in the relationship.

In an abusive relationship, it’s not about love — it’s about control. Call (877) 684-0487 now for help if you or someone is a survivor of the cycle of abuse.

Do All Abusive Relationships Fit the Cycle?

No, not every abusive relationship will fit the cycle outlined above. However, many relationships that are abusive go through calmer periods, followed by instances of tension and harm being done to survivors.

In many situations, abusers are not constantly committing harm, or trying to convince a survivor that real change is coming, but psychologists tend to see cycles in many relationships.

“Abuse is not episodic; it is patterned. What exists between what we call “episodes” is what keeps the victim seduced into the pattern of violence. What exists between are often the apologies, the gifts, the quick fixes, and the promises.”

– Dr. Deborah J. Cohan, University of South Carolina-Beaufort psychology professor

The bottom line is that no one deserves to suffer abuse of any kind in a long-term relationship. Partners should respect you enough to listen to your opinions, even if they don’t agree, and work respectfully with you to resolve disputes, not lash out with physical attacks, verbal threats, and more.

While it can be hard to accept that you may have to leave a harmful relationship, breaking the cycle of abuse is crucial to recovering and getting the love you truly deserve.

How to Break the Cycle of Abuse

Breaking the cycle of abuse can be difficult at first, but it is possible. Survivors owe it to themselves to be free of an abuser so they can start to heal and find a truly supportive relationship.

There are a few simple steps that can be taken to help break the cycle of abuse. Explore them below.

1. Recognize the Stages

First, it is important for survivors to take an objective look at their relationship and determine if their partner has fallen into a pattern or cycle of abusive behavior.

In some cases, turning to family members or trusted friends for advice can be crucial in helping to clearly see if a spouse or partner is abusive, according to PsychCentral. They can also offer safe harbor in the aftermath of the tension or abuse stages.

2. Get Therapy

Professional help from a psychologist, social worker, or another mental health counselor can go a long way to helping you identify patterns of abuse and making plans to live a better life.

Getting therapy from a counselor can also help you manage the mental and emotional issues that come as a result of suffering from abuse, including anxiety and depression.

3. Access Resources

Besides talking with loved ones and therapists, organizations across the country offer resources that can support you if you are trying to break free from the cycle of abuse.

Key resources that may be able to help you include:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit online for free help to stay safe from abuse
• Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: This organization offers 24/7 support and has a national sexual assault hotline.
• Love Is Respect: This site offers tips on maintaining healthy relationships and a hotline where you can ask questions or get support.
• Local police: Always call 911 in the event of an emergency or immediate harm.

By exploring your options, you can be better equipped to leave an abusive partner for good.

4. Create a Plan to Leave

If you believe that your partner is abusing you, but are worried that you might have trouble with a clean break, creating action steps or a plan can be very helpful.

Writing down the next steps, such as relocating to a new house or apartment, when and how to cut off contact with the abuser, and more, can allow you to safely start over.

5. Avoid Contact

Once you’ve followed your plan to leave, it’s crucial to avoid getting back into contact with the abuser as best you can. According to Cleveland Clinic, abusers may try to make excuses to get back in touch, reach out to your friends and family, or even fake emergencies or threats to reconnect with you.

As a result, you may need to warn your loved ones or seek legal help from the police in severe cases.

Get a free case review now to explore your legal options if you’re recovering from an abusive relationship.

Get Help Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Living in an abusive relationship is both traumatic and complicated. Perpetrators may use the cycle of abuse to try and keep survivors under their control, preventing them from leaving.

If you believe that you’re trapped in the cycle of abuse, help is available to break free. Family, friends, counselors, and even law enforcement are all powerful allies that can assist in escaping an abuser and ensuring they don’t come back into your life.

At the Victim Advocacy Center, we stand with survivors of abuse every day. We’re ready to support you or someone you love who’s living in the cycle of abuse.

Connect with us to:

• Better understand the cycle of abuse
• Find out if you qualify for legal compensation
• Receive the support you need to start healing

Get a free case review now or call (877) 684-0487 to see how we can help you right now.